What I've Learned From Joint Custody

Divorce has far-reaching consequences, especially if children are involved. I turned down that road in June of 2005 when I filed for legal separation from my husband of seven years; our divorce was final in February of 2006. Irreconcilable differences. That's divorce-speak for 'we bring out the worst in each other' or 'there's no chemistry' or 'we don't really like each other anymore' or 'we just can't do it anymore".

No matter the reason a couple splits, it sucks. Starting over is hard. Really hard. You'll probably feel like flooding social media with anger-filled (perhaps wine-induced) rants about how something didn't go your way & how it is all your ex's fault because they don't have your "good" parenting skills. My advice: Get over yourself and STFU. 

If child custody needs to be established, then the process normally results in the mother being awarded full custody and designated as the child's "primary custodial parent". The "deadbeat dad" then becomes the child-support paying, insurance-carrying, secondary custodial parent who is allowed to see his children every other weekend and alternating holidays. I don't know the statistics, but I'm pretty sure this happens in the majority of cases. Its possible that it really is in the best interest of the majority of children to be placed in their mother's full custody.

In cases like mine, both parents were/are willing and able to parent their child and so joint custody became/is the compromise. My ex is court-ordered to carry our children on his medical insurance, which he willingly does. Other than that we are court-ordered to split all costs relating to our children right down the middle. We send our kids back and forth from Sunday at 5pm to Sunday at 5pm. We alternate holidays. It is frustrating but it is more than doable. It is what is best for our kids.

Here are just a few of the things that I have learned from ten years of joint child custody:

1. You are not the only one who loves your child. Let your child love their other parent....they provided 50% of your child's genetic makeup. Let them love your ex's family. You are cut off from that branch of the family, but your kids are not cut off. Nothing can replace you or the relationship you share with your children.
2. You are not the only one capable of taking care of your kid. There are 101 ways to bandage a cut on your baby's precious knee. Always, always, always include your ex in all medical issues. Seeing your child in pain or struggling with a chronic illness is stressful and often stirs up anxiety. We worry. Don't make important, life changing decisions for your child by yourself because your thoughts are not always right. Stress has a much bigger affect on you than you realize. Consult your ex. Yes, I know it sucks having to include your ex in decisions....you got divorced to get away from each other! Divorces suck but parenting remains a two-person job.
3. Your children will prefer one house to the other at times. This is okay. Get over yourself. If there is an issue that causes your kids to not feel safe or comfortable in either home, then immediately discuss it with them. No one is perfect, no family is perfect. Be big enough to talk about it.
4. Your child will try to play both parents against each other. Let them try it once and then show them how it will work out for them. Mom & Dad should be on the same page, Agree to back each other up. My ex and I have done a decent job of doing this.
5. Your children will most likely have a step-parent at some point...probably step-siblings too. Let your kids love and be loved by their new extended family. My ex has been remarried twice and our girls gained a step-family with each marriage. They gained and lost the first step-family (mother, sister, brother). That sucked. The second time they gained a mother, brother, and two sisters. They are surrounded by a lot of people who love them and who have an active interest in their lives. 
6. You will miss them while they are visiting the other half of their life. You will get over it. We all miss our precious little angels when we aren't with them. Do you know how many parents never get a break from their kids? I hear it all the time, "You are so lucky to have someone who will watch your kids". We aren't lucky. We have a joint custody arrangement because of a failed marriage. And we have an amazing support group that God began knitting together in the beginning. Our kids are the product of divorced parents who were the kids of divorced parents who were the kids of divorced parents. My bloodline could be the poster child for blended families. 
7. Being kid-free tastes like Heaven. You have no responsibilities.....it is DATE NIGHT! You can do anything you want. Freakin' enjoy it, baby! And then remember it during the times of parental frustration, because those moments are always right around the corner.
8. You aren't in control of everything. You don't need to be in control of everything. You are in control of your attitude. You are in control of what you say in front of or to your children. It doesn't matter what you think of your ex, DO NOT bad-mouth them to your kids.  Your kids don't understand why you would say bad things about someone they love. Your kids love your ex just as much as they love you (that sucks, don't it?!). If you need to vent your frustrations then do so to a friend your age but stay off of social media! If you're shit-talkin' your ex to your kid, then your kids will begin to fear the same treatment if you're mad at them. It will cause them to resent you. It will teach them to gossip and to be angry. It will plant seeds in them that will warp their future relationships. It sucks that your relationship(s) failed. Do you want your children to repeat your mistakes? Your kids learn their manners from you. Teach them good ones.
9. You can't teach your children everything because you don't know everything and you are not always right. 
10. You have to be able to talk to your ex about your children. For a divorced couple to continue jointly raising their children, there has to be constant communication. Don't send messages through your kids. You'll never teach your kids to handle problems maturely if you are too immature to do so yourself.